Good Songs Bad Lyrics

Good Song: Christmas Shoes by Newsong

Bad Lyrics: All right, I’m pushing it with “good song” on this one, but it pains me to know some people may not be aware of the magic of Christmas Shoes during the holiday season. It is also an all-time bad lyrics champ.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size

Here’s the crux of Christmas Shoes: kid wants to buy shoes for his mom for Christmas. Got it? Good. Now let’s get dark.

Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time

Daddy is a realist, apparently. No cushioning this kid from the harsh reality of the moment - gonna be a fun household once Mama passes on.

You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile

It seems a little shallow to think even dying women are crazy for shoes.

And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Sounds more like Mama sent this kid on a mission for shoes so she could vamp it up for Jesus.

I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Yes, God sent a boy with a dying mother to buy shoes in front of you to teach you the meaning of Christmas. The boy’s disease-ridden mother: just a bit player in this passion play.

Good Song: Hey Santa by Carnie & Wendy Wilson

Bad Video: A still-played song off the album of the same name, this video isn’t exactly Wilson Phillips at their peak.

0:03 - I’m not sure this angle is doing any favors to either of the Wilsons right now.

0:22 - I think this five second sequence of events is: man steps on snowball, snow gets into Carnie’s eyes, Wendy awkwardly mugs, candy cane salesman steps on Carnie’s foot, then things are fine. Is this right? I demand clarification.

1:02 - Why do the Wilsons live in a 60s sitcom?

1:25 - A terrifying behind-the-scenes interlude.

2:00 - “What’s the best way to use this Santa, y’think? Just throw him in the shot?”

2:53 - Pie in the face, followed by giant pane of glass breaking. Stay classy, Wilsons.

3:32 - The Wilson sisters later died of exposure.

3:57 - Easily the most elaborate Christmas card shoot of 1993.

Good Song: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

Bad Lyrics: A year-long love story in the form of a Christmas tune, sung by Patty Donahue. No wonder it’s weird.

“Bah, humbug!” - no, that’s too strong
‘Cause it is my favorite holiday

Has anyone ever accused “Bah, humbug!” of being too strong?

Encounter, most interesting.
Had his number but never the time

Excuses, excuses, Patty. If you really wanted to, you’d make the time.

Out to the beach to his boat, could I join him?
No, this time it was me,
Sunburn in the third degree.

By the time you reach first degree sunburn, it’s probably time to go inside.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
In the line is that guy I’ve been chasing all year!

You had that number all year? You haven’t been chasing him at all!

Good Song: Where Are You Christmas? by Faith Hill

Bad Video: This How the Grinch Stole Christmas tie-in charted high despite this terrible video.

0:23 - Don’t be said, Cindy Lou Who: it’s a friendly snow witch.

0:47 - Faith, can I recommend wearing a scarf?

1:30 - The next day’s headline read: “HERO DOG SAVES FAITH HILL FROM SUICIDE ATTEMPT.”

2:31 - This song presents a pretty serious avalanche risk, Faith.

3:14 - Crimping somehow fell out of fashion immediately after this video.

Good Song: Mary’s Boy by Boney M

Bad Lyrics: Being one of the biggest selling bands worldwide with almost no US presence didn’t stop Boney M from making a terrible calypso Christmas song.

Long time ago in Bethlehem, so the Holy Bible said
Mary’s boy child, Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day

You know, “boy” and “child” mean the same thing. You don’t really need both.

Oh my Lord,when in the crib they found him
Oh my Lord, a golden halo crowned him

The halo itself crowned him? This birth just got pretty implausible.

Oh my Lord, with the child’s adoration
Oh my Lord, there came great jubilation

So while liking him, they got very excited… about how much they liked him? You’re losing me, guys.

Oh my Lord, they had just begun to doubt you
Oh my Lord, what did they know about you?

They didn’t know anything about you yet - your son had literally just shown up on Earth. Cut us some slack, Boney M.

Good Song: When A Child Is Born by Johnny Mathis

Bad Video: Oh Johnny - your heart is in the right place, but you made a terrible video.

0:40 - Johnny Mathis playing his favored instrument, the wooden chair.

1:14 - Mathis is kickin’ it old school, as usual.

1:59 - Look, Johnny, sit in the chair like a normal person already.

2:19 - The third violinist apparently missed the memo about the dress code.

2:55 - Drummers just shouldn’t sing backup. Sorry, fella.

4:03 - Nothing says Christmas like the ghostly, cackling face of Johnny Mathis.

Good Song: Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC

Bad Lyrics: One of the first Christmas rap hits, but inarguably a home to some bad lyrics.

I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
Looked at his dog, oh my God, an illin’ reindeer

All rappers are innately afraid of sick animals.

But then I was illin’ because the man had a beard

Also, they fear men with beards.

A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of G’s
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease

Matching car and boat sets fell out of fashion in the 90s, but were once popular gifts among millionaires.

In the fireplace is the yule log
Beneath the mistletoe as we drink egg nog

That sounds like one sloppy, egg nog-drenched kiss.

Jack Frost chillin’, the orchid’s out
And that’s what Christmas is all about

Have you guys really not heard about Jesus?

Good Song: Wonderful Christmas Time by Wings

Bad Video: We love Sir Paul, but this video is suffering from a serious overdose of Christmas cheer.

0:05 - Animated man made out of stars. Starting out subtle, I see.

0:36 - Paul makes his guests watch videos of him performing at other parties. A little gauche, don’t you think Paul?

1:15 - The Space Choir sang backup on a lot of seventies holiday hits.

2:06 - Christmas punks would forcibly decorate most of London during December.

3:04 - This giant gift will kill us all! Nooooooo!

3:10 - Oh, it’s… it’s just Wings. Forget it everybody!

Good Song: Do They Know It’s Christmas? by Band-Aid

Bad Lyrics: A good song that also did some good, with maybe not so good lyrics.

It’s Christmas time
There’s no need to be afraid

There is if Grandma’s had too much eggnog.

At Christmas time
We let in light and we banish shade

Forsooth, banish yon shade from mine presence!

But when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear

I guess I never thought of my front yard that way.

Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring
There are the clanging chimes of doom

Guys, you’re bringing the room down juuuust a bit.

Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you

I don’t know if “having someone else be the starving child” is something you should thank God for. It seems, at best, against the spirit of Christmas.

Good Song: I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In

Bad Lyrics: One major geographical quibble about this Christmas classic.

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day.
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning.

Sounds like a joyous time! Christmas, ships, sailing: what’s not to like?

Wither sailed those ships all three
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day?
Wither sailed those ships all three
On Christmas Day in the morning?

Excellent question! Wither did those ships sail? It’ll help our mental picture of the day.

They sailed in to Bethlehem,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day.
They sailed in to Bethlehem,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

Uh… wait a minute. Bethlehem? Land-locked Bethlehem? This seems, if not impossible, then certainly unusual.

All the bells on Earth shall ring
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
All the bells on Earth shall ring
On Christmas Day in the morning

That is going to be a heck of a racket, you know.